Why I don’t drink

July 1, 2011

Apparently I can't say "because I don't like the taste" or "I don't need to be drunk to have a good time." Those are reasons for lame-o's. Fine. Here are some real reasons.

• It's expensive
  People who drink probably have a better idea of this than me, but alcohol isn't cheap. And cheap alcohol is terrible for you. I have enough money sinks: video games, sushi, Apple products. I don't want to blow my cash on a product that I won't even remember the next morning.
• It leads to adventure
  By this I mean the Rincewind definition of adventure, i.e. people are trying to kill me. Sober people don't wake up in jail, in another state, or in hilarious comedies. Being computer-savvy means I'm exposed to my fair share of danger, but at least my fragile body is rarely in jeopardy.
• It loosens inhibitions
  The classic one, right? Nobody wants a DUI. Nobody wants their private thoughts blurted out during a drunken rage. Sure it makes people socialize better, but it removes the guard rails that keep people from tumbling over the edge of inappropriateness. Dark things lurk in the recesses of my mind. They shouldn't be allowed out.
• It tends to kill people
  Melodramatic? Sure, but alcohol is the cause of tons of deaths. Every day I laugh at headlines on FARK.com where a man gets run over by a tractor with the punchline "alcohol was involved." Not that alcohol-related fatalities are a surprise to anyone, but I'm not ready to die for a drink. There are still too many things I don't own.
• It's addictive
  Again, I have enough quasi addictions in my life that I don't want the source of the original 12 step program fighting for attention. And weirdly, you're always a "recovering" alcoholic once you "quit." Is it like World of Warcraft, where even months out I sometimes wonder what's new in Azeroth? When people relapse in WoW it costs them $15 a month. I think beer costs a little more.

That's all there is. I've had drinks at parties before, but you can count the total on just two hands. I may not have wild stories to tell, but I have all my teeth, all my brain cells, and a clean arrest record.

And I feel fine.