Mother’s Day 2006
May 13, 2006
There is a tradition in my family concerning holidays. Since my mother would like me to believe that we are very poor, she isn't big on gifts and prefers homemade items. And being as a teenager receives all of his money from his parents anyway, what on Earth could I possibly buy her that she couldn't buy herself? So for many birthdays and Mother's Days I've been writing stories for mom instead of getting her candy and spa coupons or whatever else a child is supposed to get a parent.
It's taken on a number of forms. Harry Potter, her favorite mythical computer game involving berry picking in Minnesota, the Zombie Blood Monkeys article I'm not excited to link to, just to name a few. This year it's going to be... well, a bit out of date, shall we say. I didn't exactly catch this one at the height of its popularity, but I think it'll do in a pinch.
And I do mean pinch. I'm aware this series has three parts: unfortunately my brain only has two lobes and I wracked it fruitlessly for hours to come up with a third chapter. But to no avail. I hope it's satisfying in any case. I also hope the people whose names were plundered to make this story (and those who I ran out of time to plunder) won't be too upset.
The Lord of the Rings: The Scholarship of the Ring
It had been days since Bilbo disappeared, dropped out of sight during his big speech! Those Tooks and Brandybucks with weaker constitutions had fainted dead away while the rest of the crowd screamed and fled. In the confusion Bilbo tiptoed through the rear gate, but one sharp eyed hobbit noticed him and quietly followed.
I bet he’s going to take one last look at the ring before he leaves, murmured Jordo Baggins as he followed his uncle back to the house. Bilbo got quite a shock when confronted about the ring, but he decided to leave it behind in a carefully sealed envelope. Jordo had turned the envelope over and over in his hands, wondering what it was about the ring that could hypnotize dear Bilbo so.
He was like that days later, sitting and tumbling the envelope idly in his hands while his mind wandered freely. But even in his stupor he heard the door bang open. Boots pounded on the wooden floor as though they intended to break through the boards. Jordo tossed himself off the chair and scrambled back from the noise, the envelope pressed tight to his heart.
From the thunderous hammering emerged the tallest person Jordo had ever seen, the gray wizard with a beard nearly as long as Jordo himself.
“Is it secret?” He demanded, seizing Jordo’s shoulders. “Is it safe?” Uninterested in an answer he snatched the envelope and hurled it into the fire. Jordo yelped and reached for it, but the wizard pulled back his arm.
“Gandalf, what’s going on?” Cried Jordo. “That’s Bilbo’s ring!”
“So it is, my lad,” replied the wizard pleasantly, reaching for the tongs. “But I wonder if Bilbo has been kind enough to tell you about it?” He gingerly reached inside the fire and clasped the ring. “No, I wouldn’t expect to. Hold out your hands; this won’t be hot.”
Jordo obeyed, not entirely unafraid, and flinched when the ring was dropped into his cupped palms. Gandalf was right; the golden ring was cool to the touch, as though it had never met a flame. As Jordo looked closer, a curious writing appeared along the outer edge of the ring, drawn out by the flame.
“It says,” Gandalf announced unhappily, “One cobra to rule them all, one teacher to find them. One bell to bring them all, and in the auditorium bind them.” The old wizard slumped down into a chair, avoiding sight of the object in Jordo’s hands. “This was Bilbo’s burden, and, sadly, it now falls to you.”
Jordo looked up from the ring. “Burden? Is that why Bilbo left?”
“Bilbo needed to get away from the ring,” Gandalf grumbled. “He had been obsessing over it, so I convinced him to take a nice long vacation. Adventuring is in his blood, Jordo, as it is in yours.” A fear of the ring tightened his eyes as he spoke. “That is the One Ring. Bilbo acquired it many years ago from the creature Gallum, though it was not Gallum’s to begin with. It was created by the evil Sauron in the fires of the alchemy lab at Mount Doom University and lost thousands of years ago during the Second Pencil Wars. The ring allows its bearer to breeze through any standardized test, each answer as clear as day. It consumed Gallum’s mind and nearly Bilbo’s as well. You must return it to the place it was created and destroy it there.”
Jordo came out of his trance at the mention of “you.” “Wh-why do I have to destroy it? You take it, Gandalf!” He advanced on the wizard with the ring outstretched.
Gandalf recoiled as though Jordo was holding a dagger. “Keep that away!” He leapt from the chair and stepped back. “Do not offer me the ring. I do not deny my desire for it… I could help any student get into the college of their choice, or acquire any scholarship… but the ring’s capacity for evil would undo any of my good works. It cannot be me, you must -” he stopped and moved swiftly to the window.
Jordo had heard the rustling outside as well. With one hand Gandalf reached in and extracted a hobbit, tossing him roughly on the floor. “Haven’t I already warned you about eavesdropping, Danwise Gamgee?” Demanded the wizard. “What did you hear?”
“I didn’t hear nothin’!” Danwise protested. “Oh sure, maybe something about a ring that can give you answers and Mount Doom University, but nothin’ important!” Scampering to his feet, he glanced from Gandalf to Jordo. “I was just trimmin’ the hedges, is all. I had just dumped the computer case in the lake when –“ and now it was Danwise’s turn to shush as Jordo gestured frantically.
“Well then, Mister Gamgee,” began Gandalf evilly, “if you’re so interested in listening in, then why don’t you come here and listen to me for a few minutes while Jordo gets ready for his journey…”
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Descriptors
Ahead of them lay miles of black hills, jagged things that cut up and down like a rusty saw blade. The ground was pure soot, staining their clothes and choking lungs when inhaled. Worst of all, there were tracks ahead of them. Familiar, hobbit-sized feet.
“We’re lost, Mr. Jordo,” moaned Danwise. “I don’t think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.”
Jordo sighed. “He didn’t mean for a lot of things to happen, Dan.”
Night was coming faster here than it should. They made camp beneath a rocky overhang and tried to sleep and forget the day. Above them the fires of the Mordor Campus burned. When the ground and sky were the same inky shade, a thin voice dared come out, rasping to itself.
“The thievesss… the thievesss… they ssstole it from us. Took it!” It moved past the overhang, bulging eyes intent on the sleeping hobbits. “We hatesss them. We isss all alone withouts it. But now we’s founds it. My… prrreciousss…” It extended a bony arm, reaching past the limits of pain to grab the ring around Jordo’s neck.
Danwise and Jordo woke as one and yanked down the rasping creature. It was pale as a slug, with bare wisps of blond hair and an emaciated body well beyond what a person would get after weeks of daily bike rides and sensible eating. The force of the impact was too much for it; Danwise pinned it down and Jordo pressed a short sword to its neck.
“This is Sting,” he hissed. The creature shrunk away from the sword. “You’ve seen it before, haven’t you, Gallum?”
Unable to move or stop looking at the sword, she began to cry.
“Take it off usss!” Led by a string around her neck, Gallum flopped wildly at the edge of the tether. “It burnsss us! Look at how thin we isss… we needsss to go to TJ Max and buy new clothesss…”
Danwise lunged at her, fists raised. Gallum flatted against the ground and scrabbled away before being jerked back on her leash. “Let’s just tie her up and leave her!”
“No!” Gallum insisted. “That would kill usss! Kill usss! We haves to drive to Minnesota in a month, we does.”
“Leave her alone, Dan.” Jordo knelt in front of Gallum, his eyes fierce. Gallum flinched and half-heartedly pawed to get away. “You know the way to the Mordor campus.”
“Yesss?” Answered the creature.
“You’ve sent students there before.”
“W-we gets only the best scholarshipsss for our studentssss…”
“Then you will lead us there,” he announced, removing the loop from Gallum’s neck.
