Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Titties

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Liberty City makes a rough first impression. You step off a boat in the middle of the night, are greeted by your inebriated cousin and have to drive him home through the narrow, butter-paved roads of a nation you've never set eyes on before. Can I go back to the old country and raise goats?

And yet, just as America is the land of opportunity, so is Grand Theft Auto IV the game of opportunity. There is so much to do - and so much of it matters - that the ceaseless cries of "best game evar" begin to make sense. Two hours in, however, you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

We can start with GTA's control scheme, which isn't technically bad. It simply overwhelms you, especially if you try and rely on the in-game readout. Every single button is mapped, and all of them perform multiple actions. The left trigger, used for target lock, can be held down halfway for "free look", as though you're using a Wavebird. Firing a gun on foot is the right trigger, but in a car it's the left bumper. Most depressing is how they show this to you in the game. In the pause menu is an Xbox controller surrounded by the usual thin grey lines leading to function lists. These lists change every three seconds. No, really. They're not even cycling between on foot and vehicle controls. Rockstar is actually presenting vital game data in hyperactive animated GIF style. I was stunned; the cell phone interface for missions works great, but did some intern sneak in this truly retarded controller display?

I say the cell phone interface is great, but really it's just simple. Up and down, A to select, B to cancel. You can work it even while driving a car and suffer a realistic level of driver distraction. Sadly, the phone itself is a tiny thing in the lower right of your screen, spitting out low contrast monochrome text. My character has made $14,000 from all the murders and drug deals. I buy thousand dollar suits and body armor by the rackful. Can I please get an iPhone or something?

One upgrade you'll want as soon as possible is a new car. The rides in Liberty City handle so poorly you'll almost want to go everywhere on foot. I spent hours skidding around corners, spinning out, and fiddling with the camera until I got used to it. Everything up to the simulated Mitsubishi Lancer drives like my grandfather's 1984 Pontiac Parisienne. For some insane reason you can also go street racing in this game, an activity painful enough to make you want to slit your throat. It felt like racing shopping carts through Publix with the cast of Jackass at my heels. When you find Mercedes and Cadillac replicas the streets become tolerable. Not good - the best car I've found still drives worse than the starter sedan in Burnout Paradise - but you can get from point A to point B without undue road rage.

Gunplay in GTA is supposedly much improved. I never got very far in the previous ones, but I'm starting to feel like a regular Marcus Fenix now. The cover system works fine, but since enemies can safely blind fire and the cover itself is indestructable the game kind of feels like Full Spectrum Warrior. The guns have a good feel, the recoil isn't punishing and Niko is as calm as Sniper Wolf herself when he gets a rifle. Explosions are big and satisfying, and I've even gotten the hang of shooting out of my car. Easier than using the cell phone, I'm sad to say. My only complaint is that you have to buy body armor often and making a trip to the gun dealer can be a pain. Can't they contract with a dry cleaning delivery service?

My final complaint is that the mini games suck. What you get for bowling, darts and pool would be disgraceful as Flash games, but they make up a large part of your non-murdering activities. Thankfully, Niko is a whiz at all of them. He throws bowling balls straight every time, auto-aligns and hits balls consistently in pool, and throws darts with his sniping arm. I'm finding myself avoiding the social aspect of this game if my "friends" want to engage in sports.

Yes, all your contacts in the city can be your friends, too. Call up the testosterone junkie Brucie and hit a strip club. Catch a genuinely funny nightclub act with your cousin Roman. Sometimes they'll call you, whether you're idling around town or shooting the cops with a duffel bag of cocaine around your waist. Oh, and you can go dating too, thanks to the remarkably deep Internet they built. The world is so rich that it feels like an M-rated version of The Sims.

My favorite open world game of the past few years is definitely The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. Even though a lot was scripted and unchangeable, you could still see people walking around from city to city, practicing archery or casting magic spells. The world felt alive, unlike in Assassin's Creed where a woman could be hassled by one set of guards for the rest of her natural life. But GTA4 is the new high bar. People don't just walk around the city aimlessly like in Damascus or Jerusalem. They stop to buy hot dogs. They get on the train. Some of them even jack cars and get arrested by the police! The city feels like a real metropolis, so much that I intend to spend several days just walking around on foot with the HUD off, enjoying the sights and sounds of this digital Big Apple without the smells or the stress. When I'm able to plant trees in Fable 2, my life will truly be complete.

Happily, character and plot are still high on Rockstar's priority list. Niko Bellic is a genuinely likable and sympathetic hero. His descent into the criminal underworld is realistic and well-paced, going from shopkeeper harassment and fist fights smoothly to bodyguard elimination and union struggles. Supporting characters are more than base stereotypes, making every professionally directed cutscene a joy to watch. My favorite is the car dealer Brucie, a buff narcissist who loves to chase tail and take things "to the max, VIP style." He's charmingly obnoxious. Your cousin Roman is obsessed with starting his own business and finding that American dream, as well as the rare American delicacy known as "titty", a word you hear at least fifty times in the first two hours.

I love them all, but I kind of wish I could help out in ways that don't involve murdering people, stealing things or murdering even more people. How much to help that old lady cross the street?