I'm like a shark. I've just got to… keep making analogies.

Monday, September 18, 2006

One of my favorite sayings about myself is that I would be an English major if it paid anything. You know, like write books and articles and stuff. Instead I was a library sciences major, where I was trained to organize those books and articles written by other people. Always Dewey's practicum student, never Dewey's coordinator. Ha ha! That one really slays them in the LIS programs.

I wonder if English majors learn better analogies.

In any case, language has always been a big deal for me. The first real epiphany I can remember came in my high school English class where I finally understood the power of the words we choose to describe something. You can say "the apple fell to the floor" or "the apple plummeted to the floor" (or not, since they seem to be doing okay) and the feeling of the sentence changes. Plummet indicates the same action as "fall," but with additional connotations about speed and distance.

Specific words have power, too. Can you think of words that one person could say to you that would change your life? Just words, not even actions? Here's two: "You're under arrest" and "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Get those lines from a cop or a priest and your life is going to change immediately.

Another example I like is lying words. For example, let's say you do something you shouldn't have. You can say one of two things: "I'm sorry," or "I apologize." If you say you're sorry, you may very well be lying. You're reporting on an emotion that you may or may not be feeling. No one can reach inside your brain and determine if you're sorry or not, so that's one way to dodge responsibility. But "I apologize" is different. When you use the word "apologize" you lay blame on yourself. When a relative dies your friends will say "I'm sorry for your loss" rather than "I apologize for your loss." Usually the murderer (if human) is the one who says "apologize." If it wasn't so unspeakably insensitive I'd say to try that out the next time one of your friends loses a loved one. But I would never suggest that. Um.

This is all of course a roundabout way of saying that I sometimes wonder what to say to retail salespeople after a transaction. The most popular closing line after you're handed a receipt is "Have a nice day." Now, having done a bit of door-to-door sales myself I know why they're told to say this. If you don't pretend to be positive, you'll quickly kill yourself with negativity. But what do you, as the customer, say to something like that? The clerk isn't really wishing you a nice day; he or she doesn't know you, and the management reason for that kind of a departing line is so you'll have a good feeling about where you just did business and come back to do more business later.

The popular response to that is a jolly "You too," and both customer and clerk grin idiotically at each other, desiring to live in a world where wishes were like farts and made things happen, causing the entire planet to stink to high heaven. I did say English majors get better analogies, didn't I? I believe "You have a nice day too" is a kind of weasel phrase, or something you can say without any effortlessly because it does not, and never will, mean anything.

If I choose to say anything to the poor shopkeeper, it's "Thank you." Their wish for me to have a good day and my reply of the same wish don't amount to a hill of beans in the events that shape my mood for the day. Instead I recognize the tiny sliver of that person's soul that is consumed while having to fake a cheerful personality for customer #1,439 today.

My goodness that seems like a dark post. I'm not having a bad day, really. I'm just a little impatient that Netflix is delaying sending the My Hime disc, but I did get a kicking new chair from Tony Miller that makes lounging by the TV tons of fun.