Fantesticle Penisula Adventure

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Few were surprised when Cevat Yerli announced the system requirements for Crysis. We had all seen the screen shots and trailers of the game and knew it would absolutely punish our computers if we were foolish enough to run it on high settings. With the demo available we can confirm our suspicions and even add a new requirement: a penis. Crysis is the manliest game on any system since God of War II. It's so manly that I can't fathom EA making their money back on this title as a hardcore only PC shooter. In order to play it you have to be a guy who has spent at least $2,000 on a computer in the last four months, which technically also makes you an idiot. This may be America, but there are not that many idiots, which is why I know for sure that Crysis, or some variant of it, is coming to the Xbox 360. There's also the fact that even the demo recognizes and handles perfectly with an Xbox 360 controller.

I'll be frank and say that I'm shocked that Crysis (at least in this form) has met my expectations. The graphics are phenomenal: character faces have individually distinguishable pores, the sun rises and sets in real time, and surfaces like metal roofs and dirt roads look totally real. It does resemble the original Far Cry a lot... a whole lot. I'm not really bothered; I adored Far Cry and would like some more of the same, thank you very much. The big deal this time isn't the jungle setting or expansive draw distance, but the complete immersion they have created.

It starts with the great graphics, which, thank goodness, my computer can handle. The voice acting is also remarkably good, if hampered by some improbable dialogue which I'll describe shortly. And then there's the physics system they've created. You're on a tropical island, right? Shoot a palm tree and it breaks: not in half, but precisely where you hit it. As it's falling, shoot it again and it crumples to the ground in pieces. Pick up a segment and throw it at somebody. When you walk through a bush the leaves individually bend away from you. It's astounding. This is the first "new" technology since Half-Life 2 in 2004. There's also the "sheet metal shanty" feature that I adore so. Most buildings on the island are these huts made out of eight foot panels of sheet metal. What do you think happens when you put an explosive barrel in the middle of such a house and shoot it? Not just localized mayhem and some black marks: the entire house breaks apart from the force of the explosion. I've never experienced anything like it, save some non-interactive destruction in HL2: Episode 2. The rest is stuff we've seen before: tires blow out in cars, rolling logs down hills and wooden boxes breaking.

Another new feature is the feedback you get during the game. When your character gets shot in most games, all you have to go on is a brief grunt of pain and maybe a damage direction indicator. In Crysis your screen will go white, shudder severely from the bullet impact, display some static and give you that direction indicator. On lower difficulties the guy who shot you will be outlined in red so he's easier to see. When a car blows up it feels like a carefully staged shot in a Die Hard movie. If your computer can handle it you can even enable motion blur, so it actually ends up looking like a real movie. Crytek has done an incredible job of making you feel like you're really there in the heat of the action.

All this comes at a high price, and I don't just mean your bill from NewEgg. The decent plot behind Crysis (US and North Korea join forces to fight freeze-ray weilding aliens) is delivered in the goofiest manner possible. On August 7th, 2020, over a harsh, blackened landscape we hear fragments of a scientist's call for help: "this discovery could change the future of the planet" she whispers. A subtitle says "One week later...," fades to black, then says "August 14, 2020" and continues the story. Thanks for calculating 7+7, guys. When you set out to make the gaming equivalent of a "dumb action movie," were you referring to the game or the gamer? Anyway, on August 13+1 we meet the team of bad dudes who are going to rescue the scientist lady.

Does anyone even remember the arcade game Bad Dudes? Remember the legendary instructions at the start of the game: "The president has been captured by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?" When that game came out you probably thought it was pretty funny, but macho enough to get you to insert coin and try it out. Imagine someone who played Bad Dudes wishing it was the story of their life and you'll have an idea of the personalities (a generous term) of the special forces team in Crysis. You have Prophet, Psycho, Joker, Aztec and Nomad (the player). I've now told you everything you need to know about them, except that Psycho talks with a British accent.

Yes, these guys are so simple that their entire essence can be expressed in one word. Prophet is the leader, a beefy black guy doing his best Morpheus impression. Psycho is aggressive, Joker is friendly (though I haven't heard any jokes), Aztec occasionally speaks Spanish, and Nomad is your standard tough white guy. Happily, Nomad speaks, but he doesn't contribute much besides "yes boss". This may be a blessing, as every line is idiotic, a cliché, or a needless statement of the facts for no one's benefit. On the plane ride to the island Prophet tells the team "This is a covert op. The enemy can't know we're here. We have the element of surprise, so let's use it!" During a heated exchange with Psycho, Prophet jabs his finger near the man's face and snaps, "cut the crap!" So, ugh. The only saving grace is that the voice actors are talented and seem to be having a good time.

The voice actor who must have really had a good time would be whoever is voicing the suit systems. In Crysis you wear a "nano-muscular" suit that looks like you're wrapped in metal tubing. The suit has four powers: super speed, super jumping, energy regeneration à la Halo, and limited cloaking ability. When you activate a particular power the suit announces it every time. This could get annoying, but the male suit voice is a hoot. It's a deep deep bass, obviously computer manipulated to be just as you would expect the Predator's suit to sound. It tells you "maximum armor" or "maximum speed" or "cloak engaged" whenever you turn them on. Since switching powers happens a lot, it feels like your adventure is narrated by Vin Diesel.

And what an adventure you'll have. Sneak up on a guy, grab him by the throat and throw him through a wall. Hop in a car, floor the gas pedal and send it straight into another car, blowing them both up in a hellish fireball. Use super strength to toss an explosive barrel at somebody and shoot it as it lands. I really could not think of anything cool that the game would not let me do, including cutting down trees so they land on people (though trees are hard to aim). I even threw dumpsters at soldiers in my best Captain Planet impression. The AI you'll face is probably as good as it's gonna get with this kind of flexibility. They know how to drive vehicles, use cover, work in teams, flank you and throw grenades with remarkable accuracy. Yet you'll still run into times when they're humping a wall or twitching back and forth like a Parkinson's sufferer. I wasn't overly bothered by the glitches. Most of the time they are cunning opponents, tracking you (while cloaked) by following your footsteps and seeing bushes bend out of your path.

When it ships in two weeks I'll be at the front of the line... probably wearing a cup, in case that other system requirement is checked before you leave the store.