Embrace your dreck
April 1, 2008
I've gotta hand it to Square Enix: I've sunk more time into Crisis Core for the PSP than I have for God of War: Chains of Olympus. At six hours in I could have finished Olympus by now, but I've barely scratched the surface of the only playable return to Midgar released in the US (I don't consider Dirge of Cerberus to be playable).
What I have significantly scratched are my ears, trying to claw the headphones off before I go deaf and dumb. After the wonderfully written Final Fantasy XII, we're forced (fine, nobody's forcing you to buy it) to spend twenty hours with the most insufferable characters ever created. I don't think I'll change my opinion if the game suddenly takes an uptick in quality because the foundation they've laid is astoundingly juvenile. Gamespot's review gushes over the dialogue and characterization... are they mad? Have they never watched a minute of television or listened to another human being speak?
Please, Internet, I beg you: do not proffer Crisis Core to Roger Ebert as evidence that games are art. It is not worthy.
Crisis Core takes place immediately before the events of Final Fantasy VII, released in 1997 on the Playstation One. Our hero is Zack, the guy Cloud (in FFVII) hallucinated himself to be and the only character in Square's entire franchise with a name native to this planet. He's an employee of the evil Shinra Corporation and cheerfully takes part in their dirty deeds like the war with Wutai or the bombing of the town of Banora (company policy, you understand). Look no further for your honest, loyal bodyguard. Zack is the most tolerable of the lot only by comparison. Straight arrows aren't allowed to be mysterious.
For a little mystery in your life, let's turn to Zack's superiors: Genesis, Angeal, and Sephiroth. We're already acquainted with Sephie, the bad guy from FFVII. He's probably saving up his cool points to spend on the next game, which may be why he's as exciting as a plank of wood in this one. Even when he comes to the realization that he's a genetically mutated monster he barely bats an eyelash.
The guy who does freak out (after discovering he's one too) is Angeal, the stoic and honorable block of beef that serves as a mentor for Zack and a tormentor for yours truly. He talks at the same pace as Cleveland from Family Guy and has to work the word "honor" into every conversation. His first advice to Zack is "embrace your dreams," narrowly beating out my recommendation of "kill yourself honorably." Angeal lives up to his misspelled self (he rhymes with "congeal") by getting a white angel wing as his introduction to monsterhood.
Far worse is Genesis, aka The Guy Who Won't Shut Up About That Loveless Poem. Genesis' only character trait is to walk around with a hardbound copy of the poem / play Loveless and quote it incessantly instead of speaking like a real human being. "Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess" he drawls, giving us a precise citation like "Loveless, Act I." Turns out he's the bad guy of this story, which is great because I can't wait to slice him up a bit. Like the others, Genesis was a genetically modified mutant and gains a black wing for his evilness. His was the first mutation to be revealed, in this meticulously crafted back and forth between Zack and Sephiroth.
Zack: "Project G?"
Sephiroth: "Project G."
Zack: "Genesis!"
Sephiroth: "Project Genesis."
Zack: "Project Genesis..."
No, really. Somebody got paid to write that.
I've also spent some time with Aerith, who is remarkably naive for a girl living in a broken-down church in the slums. Despite being the hottest female in Midgar she doesn't have any experience with boys at all. Her church is the only place in that decrepit city where flowers will grow, so Zack convinces her to sell them and make money. He calls it Operation "Midgar Full of Flowers, Wallet Full of Money" and Aerith repeats it about five times, clearly unfamiliar with the concept of profiting from the sale of a precious resource. Tifa's the one who runs a bar and organizes the AVALANCHE resistance group, right? I don't feel so bad about the death of little miss Cetra descendant anymore.
I was really surprised to find this waste of a story. At least it's a good looking waste, with luscious prerendered cutscenes and stunning in-game character models. The music is also wonderful. It's mostly rock / techno, but the tunes are original and catchy. I'm not thrilled with the choice of locations: Wutai, Midgar, the Shinra building, and a Mako reactor are too entranced by this generation's fixation on gunmetal grey and dog poop brown. Banora was nice, but having to spend time with Angeal's mother was excruciating. Note for future game writers: do not have anyone refer to the main character as a "puppy" unless you're doing a PaRappa sequel.
Crisis Core's combat is where we can see the actual talent of Square Enix at play. It calls itself an action RPG, which means no active time battles for you. Instead, you run around a very small circular area while auto-targeting enemies, casting spells and dodging attacks. Movement with the joystick is mostly unnecessary unless you really want to bring down a certain bad guy first. All this would be acceptable, if rather boring, without the Digital Mind Wave.
Ugh, how to describe it? The DMW is a (quit giggling) slot machine that spins in the upper corner of the screen. When two pictures on the outer wheels match, it freezes combat and makes you watch while the final portrait spins. Then strange things happen. You might level up (yes, it's entirely out of your control). They might give you unlimited MP for a while. Or Zack might do some kind of limit break-looking thing that does a whole bunch of damage. You don't have any control over the DMW at all so don't expect to live out your RPG gambling fantasies.
All the DMW does is keep you entertained, if not on your feet. You'll be pressing X repeatedly on one or more bad guys, occasionally pressing square to dodge, and the DMW will come up fairly often to confer a status bonus. This alleviates the game's absurd encounter rate by making them partly skill (not really) and partly luck (completely luck). So I'm enjoying the fights, especially the absurd human vs. Summon battles that show continents obliterated from orbit and only cut Zack down to 20% of his health.
If you've lived in a complete media vacuum your entire life you might be able to tolerate the monotone voice actors and pretentious nonsense they call a plot. As for me, I'll pretend I'm playing a better game and be the master of my own illusionary world.
