Bomb the Subspace Emissary

March 16, 2008

Let it never be said that Nintendo doesn't give you a lot for your money. Super Smash Brothers Brawl is here and it's absolutely overflowing with cutscenes. Content. What'd I say?

I'm not going to spend a lot of time going over what you already know. Brawl's graphical update is excellent. The characters have received only minor upgrades but the stages look and react beautifully. Mr. Game and Watch's Flat Zone 2 in particular does a fantastic job of feeling like an old handheld gaming device. No complaints about the balance either: Link has been toned down, Samus toned up (in several ways) and newcomers like Pit and Snake are definitely welcome.

The classic adventure mode returns, as do the events and the stadium. Nothing terribly new to report on these fronts, except that the announcer for the adventure mode speaks more smoothly ("versus... giant... metal... Samus" no longer). I enjoy the events, but I've beaten the first thirty and wonder how I unlock the rest. Please don't tell me I have to complete them all on normal difficulty.

What is new is what you might call the storyline mode, or what Nintendo calls the "Subspace Emissary." They can call it whatever they like, but for me it's absolute torture. I know I've bitched about bad console plots in the past (Halo 3, Metroid Prime 3), but those feel like Bioshock sequels now that I've gone 60% of the way through the Subspace Emissary. Don't believe me? I'll describe it in one word.

Fanfiction.

The Subspace Emissary feels like it was written by a pre-teen who's subscribed to Nintendo Power since he could read. To be sure, the challenge is daunting. What could possibly bring together the three dozen characters from Nintendo's varied franchises? Let me spoil it: nothing. The plot, if that's the term for it, is that robots are setting off bombs that explode into large purple-ish spheres. This is devestating the local real estate market, so all the "good" characters try to put a stop to it while the "bad" characters shoot them with guns that turn people into trophy figurines.

The result is an embarrassingly juvenile collision of characters that makes you wince even without any dialogue. You can "read" the story just by watching what happens.

"One day Link was in the forest and pulled out the Master Sword. He walked by Yoshi, who was sleeping on a tree stump. Then suddenly these evil creatures poured out of an airship. Yoshi and Link teamed up to fight them!"

Ugh. Kill me now, people. What you do in between these nightmare videos is run from one side of the stage to the other. It's a full-fledged platformer in Nintendo's old hate-the-gamer style, which means you'll have scrolling stages, two doors with the key to the nearer one being hidden in the farther one, and game mechanics you're just supposed to figure out by guessing what they do. I'll admit there are some good moments - at least when you're battling Ridley - but the rest of the time is a challenge to determine whether you're slogging through the cutscenes to get to the gameplay or vice versa. The only reason I'm tolerating it is to unlock Sonic, who had better be six shades of spectacular if this is the fastest path to him.

At least the Subspace Emissary is forgiving. You have unlimited continues and I rarely have to retry a level. But I'd much rather be mining in EVE or watching Afro Samurai or gargling sulfuric acid. Anything but enduring this maddening excuse for a storyline.

Rant over. Sonic will be unlocked by Friday.