Autobots, transform and roll off a cliff

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I don't want to review Transformers so much as I want to court martial it. It's not just a bad movie; it's a waste of the most potent license since George Lucas destroyed Star Wars. Perhaps Transformers was actually written by Megatron as a sly bit of propaganda. That wouldn't explain everything, but it would definitely be the reason why I couldn't tell the difference between Bumblebee and Ratchet in robot form. And why Megatron's non-robot form is so ambiguous ("It looked like an F-22 with... thingies on it, officer"). Given that this was a Michael Bay film I wasn't expecting much, but he must have deliberately gone out of his way to wreck this picture. If you have a choice when going to the theaters, dear readers, please go see Ratatouille. Please. But if you have to see Transformers, buy a ticket for the kid behind you to see that beautiful Pixar movie instead.

The promise and the problems with Transformers start early. Our first scene is in Qatar, which I learn from Wikipedia was used as a launching platform for the US invasion of Iraq in 2003. That one sentence is more than you learn from Transformers about the Middle East, except they have terrific cell phone reception in the desert. A suspicious helicopter is flying towards a US military base. Air traffic control tells them to divert to some other nearby base or deadly force will be used to repel the chopper. Two F-22s are scrambled to escort the helicopter away, and we do indeed see it following the path the planes indicate.

Then the helicopter lands at the base it was being warned away from. “Huh?” asks the audience. “Wasn't that thing flying away? And if it flew towards the base, wouldn't the other jets blow it up?”

Michael Bay shrugs and spreads his hands wide. “Don't worry about that,” he exclaims, “just enjoy this disgustingly expensive sequence where Blackout transforms out of helicopter form and blows up the base!”

And so we sit and watch as the Decepticon tosses tanks around and fires interesting-looking energy weapons into the cargo planes. I'll admit I was entertained, if only because I remember doing a mission just like that in Mechwarrior 4. But I kept wondering what Blackout was doing there and how he got that far without being fired upon. You'll spend a lot of Transformers trying to figure out how two plus three equals nine hundred. For all the fuss made over the realistic transformation of the robots, didn't somebody think about how a plot is supposed to get from one point to another?

After Qatar is obliterated we spend twenty minutes with Sam Witwiki, the "average joe" of the movie. He buys a car from Bernie Mac's hysterical used car lot and manages to impress the local hottie with it. It is, of course, the Autobot Bumblebee, who knows more about human mating than you'd think an alien robot would be able to absorb from the Internet. Then Optimus Prime shows up and the search for the Allspark begins.

There are many things I can believe in a movie. I can believe that cars can transform into robots - really! I can believe an ancient alien cube the size of Central Park can collapse into something the size of a soccer ball. That's easy! I can even believe that Megatron, a robot the size of a bus, can transform into a normal-sized gun. Let me tell you what I cannot believe.

I cannot believe that after a US military base is destroyed by a giant robot, the only clue that would be transmitted out of there is a five second audio file. I cannot believe that a fat computer nerd can "zoom in" to the audio file and see alien hieroglyphics in it. Or that a Pentagon computer system would allow sensitive files to be copied to a SD card, but record the transfer and alert someone that this unauthorized activity has taken place rather than prevent it in the first place. Nor can I believe that someone in the Pentagon (who is supposed to be busily analyzing that audio file) can detect, in real time, hacking activity on Air Force One.

The entire movie is filled with things you cannot believe. This specifically excludes the giant, transforming robots, even though Optimus Prime and the gang talk like their goal in life is to be best friends with a human teenager. Witness Ironhide's eagerness to show Sam his shoulder-mounted guns. I cannot understand why a thousand year-old giant living robot would seek the acceptance of a human boy. Do you think a caterpillar would care if I had an iPhone?

More things to complain about. Halfway through the movie we learn that worldwide communications have been shut down. No cell phones, no internet, no landlines. Gotta use shortwave radio instead. How did this happen? Movie doesn't say. But whatever, let's assume this is true. What would happen next, oh thinking readers? If you ask me, no modern communications means the end of the world, giant robots be damned. Yet the final showdown happens in some downtown area where people are still shopping and enjoying what appears to be a normal life.

Yeah, right. Without a working credit card people like my good friend James Gentry would quickly starve. We'd be huddled in our homes, trying to keep warm while we rebuild civilization without the telephone or the water heater or the electric chair.

Oh, the final showdown is a doozy. Megatron, Starscream and the rest of the Decepticons engage the Autobots in this absolutely senseless battle for possession of the Allspark. Here's what happens about two or three times: a pair of robots shoot a gazillion bullets/missiles/PPC charges into each other; one of them says something pithy; the other robot is destroyed. Nothing you see on the screen will make any more sense than what I just typed.

Here's a fun logic puzzle for you: at one point Megatron is chasing Sam through this ten story abandoned building. Sam has the Allspark and obviously cannot outrun Megatron. Start with Sam and Megatron on the bottom floor with Sam just about to run up the stairs. The goal is to get Sam to the top of the building. How would you, the script writer, get him there?

Would you (A) have an Autobot fight Megatron and slow him down, (B) have Sam be all sneaky hiding behind pillars to escape Megatron, or (C) have Sam hitch a ride on a helpful Autobot or unsuspecting Decepticon to get to the top?

If you said none of the above, you are correct. We go from watching Sam on the bottom floor, having Megatron say something accurate like "you cannot escape me," then showing Sam on the top floor and Megatron breaking open the concrete floor in pursuit.

When we succeed in rebuilding civilization I know who should be first in line for the electric chair.